I Use To Be A Miserable F*ck Book Summary by John Kim

Or the Principles of John Kim.

Kindness comes from a place of truth

Niceness as a negotiation

Is the intention to give or to take?

Is it because you want something in return? Acceptance, validation, approval. 

People pleasing. To be worthy. hard to build self worth and sense of worth



  1. Don’t hide
  2. Do Walk with Mirrors
  3. Do Choose Responsibility over Freedom
  4. Do Live a Through Me Life (not to me)
  5. Don’t be a Double Douche
  6. Do Starve Your Ego
  7. Don’t Fuck with People Just Because You Can
  8. Don’t Whine
  9. Don’t Peer over the Metaphorical Urinal
  10. Don’t be Nice, Be Kind
  11. Don’t Just Wear The Compassion T Shirt
  12. Do Seek Nectar


  1. Do sweat daily
  2. Do calm the fuck down
  3. Do slingshot yourself into the present
  4. Do get out of your bubble
  5. Do eat something green
  6. Do laugh hard
  7. Do things that make you feel alive
  8. Don’t take yourself too seriously
  9. Do dance
  10. Do go on man dates
  11. Do things alone
    1. Affects all other areas of lives. It builds confidence, seek less from others, stronger sense of who we are, we won’t have to cling to partner at a party. It makes you healthy and whole. The stronger your alone muscles, the stronger you attract people. 


  1. Do respond, don’t react
  2. Don’t put your shit on others — judgement — a way to protect your world. When we judge we come in loaded. “Should” becomes fused with control and air of judgement. No such thing as I love, therefore I judge
  3. Do say “I was wrong”. 
  4. Don’t be the “I dunno” guy
  5. Don’t pee in the Shower
    1. Nietzsche —> I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you. Don’t do white lies. 
  6. Don’t Tear People Down
    1. Character assassinations. idiot, loser, stupid. There’s no undo. It’s not about how many fights but how. Infidelity and character assassinations (even jokingly). Fat is a boomerang word. Eliminate it from vocabulary. 
  7. Do WANT to do the dishes.
    1. You’re not doing things for her. You use the dishes too. Toss away gender roles. It’s your temple. Keep it clean. Set the tone. 
  8. Do let go of your partner’s sexual history
    1. Know that she’s choosing you
    2. Women are wired differently. She cares more about connection
    3. It’s your insecurity that wants to know. What action are you taking on this?
  9. Don’t place her on a pedestal
    1. Sacrifice vs compromise. 
  10. Don’t stop courting her
    1. Date night
    2. Love language
    3. Demonstrate desire — action, words, energy
    4. Love notes, cards, flowers
    5. Center around thoughtfulness 
    6. Relationships are a living breathing thing
    7. Kiss to discover. 6 second kiss. Are you kissing to kiss or to express your love?
  11. Don’t just Netflix and chill
    1. Don’t be the I dunno guy
  12. Don’t perform in the bedroom
    1. Performance anxiety, aggression, etc. 
    2. Every woman is built differently. Don’t make her orgasm about you. You lose ability to be present. When you “perform”, you make it about you. The less connection and the more the pressure. Don’t mistake performance for passion. Programmed by porn. One is stemmed from insecurity, the other from love.
  13. Do Love Hard
    1. You will accept me for who I am. You will be responsibility for your own happiness and I mine. You will leave room for me. We are choosing to be together. It’s a choice. Not built on fear. loneliness. We will sharpen each other. Honest and love as hard as we can. Leave room for magic. Love is something that is practiced, honed, learned. Love is a gift, not a negotiation. Healthy love vs unhealthy love. Love is a da


  1. Do own your shit. Your shit is your shit. 
  2. Do separate who you are and what you do. 
    1. Society ties a man to what he does. Character and capacity, not ability. Just as a society ties a woman to her beauty. Don’t tie who you are to what you do. 
  3. Don’t punch clocks
    1. Writing to chase something, rather than passion. When you stop making it about you, the universe helps you. Passion doesn’t equal purpose. Purpose grows at who you are and what you do. Purpose is your North Star. It’s not a singular path. It starts with self awareness. 
    2. Where am I going?
    3. Who’s coming with me?
      1. If you can’t find something to live for, you best find something to die for
  4. Do be aware of your energy
    1. Thoughts become energy. 
    2. Don’t emit negativity
    3. Be responsible for your energy
  5. Do make your bed
  6. Do fail, often
    1. Soil for success to grow
    2. They create learning and ideas
  7. Do have a firm handshake
    1. Eye contact, firm. Boys exist, men punctuate. 
  8. Do enter rooms like you own them
  9. Do believe in yourself


  1. Do say no often
  2. Do try to understand before trying to be understood
  3. Don’t walk away during a fight
  4. Do express your fucking feelings
  5. Do put your phone down
  6. Do be physically affectionate
  7. Don’t drive like a dick
  8. Don’t debate everything
    1. State your opinion without retaliation. Wanting to be right, wanting to win. Opponents, competitors. You know when because emotions become involved. Choose NOT to hurt people. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? — Dr. Phil
  9. Don’t inhale your food
    1. Turn your meal into an experience, not a task 
  10. Don’t text like you’re 17
    1. Use complete sentences
    2. Spell correctly
    3. Don’t overuse profanity 
    4. Put thought into the message
    5. Have a point. Don’t just text because you’re bored 
    6. Don’t text every 2 seconds.
    7. Don’t overuse emojis
    8. Don’t overuse lol
    9. Don’t sext if it’s not mutual
    10. Make an effort to be creative, funny, and charming
    11. Be considerate
  11. Do tip well


  1. Do keep your bathroom clean
    1. Appearance, odor and energy. Products, colognes, lotions, towels, toilet, displays. Detective hat. Strand of hair. Dirty bathroom is a deal breaker. Clean bathroom means clean state of mind. 
  2. Don’t buy things, get gifts
    1. Insert yourself. It’s the thought. Choosing to be selfless. 
  3. Don’t overuse hair product
  4. Don’t wear skinny jeans 
  5. Don’t speak to children like they’re children
  6. Don’t go for the hottest girl in the room
    1. You go for the hottest girl because you think that’s what gives you worth. You’re looking for a trophy, not a partner. You cannot handle the hottest girl in the room because you’ll be clingy 
  7. Don’t be afraid of women
    1. Men objectivity women when they’re afraid of them. Make her human 
  8. Don’t be creepy
    1. It comes from within. Fear from lonely childhood. Not taught to have healthy boundaries. Need to Communicate with eye contact and smile. A way of coping. Creepy derives from insecurity. Accept ourselves, then we accept others. 
  9. Don’t chase, do attract
    1. Half empty. Focus inward instead of outward. Attracting by making self more attractive. Attract opportunities. Getting things that line up with your purpose. Chase is lined with desperation. Never at the expense of your truth. Attracting is a power filled state. Improving over wanting. You’re not exchanging who you are for what you want. Not seeking approval or validation. Giving by being the best version of yourself. Sharing that unique gift, you are a prism attracting, not a stone chasing. By being in this state, you are raising your vibrations, living on a higher frequency, and attracting who and what you’re meant to attract. Listen to your truth. soft whisper. Do and say what you feel is honest to you. 
  10. Do hold up

Typed from iPhone.

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